Sometimes I think something is really wrong with me, and I’m pretty sure something very big is wrong with me. I like to be around people because it makes me feel wanted and happy, but at the same time, I only like being around people in the beginning. Why? Because after a while, alliances start to form, and I pride myself on always choosing to be neutral.
Yet, I’m not sure where this pride stems from because right now, at this moment, I can’t even think of anyone I would ever want to completely confide in and call my best friend, my other half. Whatever.
I’m really jealous of people who have the ability to love, and to love wholeheartedly. Every time I feel like I’m close to becoming close to someone, I always ruin it. I give up. It makes me sad and it makes me feel hopeless, because you don’t feel whole. You just feel like a fragment of what a true human being should be.
It’s funny. I used to love being on the Internet and on Tumblr, because I felt like I was genuinely accepted. Finally, a place where I can ramble and people will at least pretend they care. A place where food and bad fashion and white noise and passion all collided. But I don’t even feel like I belong here anymore.
If you’ve been following me for a while you might have noticed the infrequency of my posts, I apologize. I don’t know what to write about. I don’t know who I want to be around. I don’t want to create anything. I just want to leave a trail of destruction behind me. I’m just really sad and I don’t know how to change it.
Tumblr’s pretty much all I do now. I often don’t vent about personal things /because/ IRL people are following me and I don’t want them to know how distant I feel from them.
Torn from wanting to socialize to wanting people to forget I ever existed.
I know most of these feels, the jealousy and pride.